Avoidant personality disorder and dating
He wanted to see me even though he was so angry with me and then would have a hard time explaining why he was angry (it seemed that once he would start to air it in front of me it sounded ridiculous even to him).
it's weird because i'll be totally indifferent/not really caring about a person who i am acquainted with, but if i find out they don't like me or they have said something mean about me to someone else -it's literally all i can think about, and the thoughts are so intrusive and intense that i will be around people doing something completely else and then boom- they just hit and my face contorts to like this weird cringe/embarassment/perplexed/sad look and/or i will verbally berate myself on reflex out loud ..now this whole room of people is looking at me like did she just eat something bad or asking what i said under my breath/why am i calling them a 'dumbass' (if they heard me- even though i was referring to myself not them).. I then do this thing where I profusely text apologize to the person who caused the thoughts in the first place in order to get rid of them...
and I go on and on, even if they say it's alright because I don't believe that it is truly alright because i am still having the thoughts...
and then this makes it SO much worse because then they get annoyed with the walls of text and think i am crazy and they hate me more ...now they have evidence of my craziness and they can show that to other people and they will hate me too.
Since then I have been stuck in entry level IT jobs.
My colleagues are all younger than me The pay I can get is only enough to just get by and I haven't even started to pay back the USD 75.000 student debt (a lot by Danish standards) I managed to rake up and I don't know how I'll ever get out of it. I could have done so much more with my life and I am really ashamed about myself.